Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Touchscreen

The gym that I occasionally shamble to, make myself hurt and then go home in tears because I feel fat go to has clearly been recently redone. Something to do with faceless corporate capitalism, no doubt; the inane pop radio station they have blaring 24/7 and the general shininess of all the exercise equipment remind me of two things: the gym owned by Ben Stiller's character in Dodgeball and an entire subculture that I really shouldn't be privy to.

If you take headphones in with you, you can plug them into the machine itself and watch TV or listen to the radio, and if you turn it up high enough, you can hurt your ears, but also block out the irritating middle-of-the-road pop playing for the 'benefit' of all the patrons. I've occasionally cycled my way through an episode of My Little Pony and, at one point, set the bicycle recliner machine to its easiest setting so I could basically sit through a Red Dwarf marathon on Dave while doing realistically very little.

I'm really taking this "exercise" thing seriously, aren't I?

In any case, yesterday I stepped up to one of the treadmills and saw nothing of any note while browsing through the range of options available. Starting to feel pain - not because I was on the treadmill, but because they were playing Meaghan Trainor - I desperately flicked through the other options, and ended up alighting upon something I hadn't noticed before: an internet browser, similar to the one you'll find on an Android 'phone (I suspect that all the machines are running some variant of Android), which - upon being opened - offers up Google as a front page.

I started pacing slow rate as I typed "innocent loverboy" into Google. Up came my blog - exactly as I remember it, and not at all as bad as the version I get when reading it on my BlackBerry. On a bigger screen, it looks a little better, for sure - and I read through a couple of posts before switching to the web version and realising that my little Kinkly button was missing. Evidently they'd seen fit to block Kinkly, while not doing so with my blog. This isn't unusual, there's very little that's particularly explicit here, and it's mostly words; however, it did pique my curiosity.

I tried Molly's Daily Kiss. It opened. Girl on the Net. It opened. Cara Sutra. It opened.

As time went by, and site after site opened for me, it became clear that there was a very weak block in place over Kinkly and a few other things (including Pornhub - although I'm cure that's a given), but all the sex blogs were left untouched (as they should be!). Wondering exactly how far this went, and whether all porn sites were covered, I tapped in the URL for Dreams of Spanking.

It opened.

I quickly dialled back a few pages, lest I should be seen by any of the bearded rugby-type trainers or sweaty women in training bras, and spent the next fifteen minutes reading up on the Digital Economy Bill while jogging on the spot... because, if there's one thing I want to be when I exercise... it may as well be 'angry'.

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