Sunday, 25 June 2017

Soft Porn Sunday: Kira Reed & Dion Scott

Anyone fancy some Vienetta?
Back in my downloadin' days, when I used KaZaA and a 36K modem to find individual sex scenes (which were, it has to be said, fairly copious online in those days - this is before tube sites, though, obviously...), there were a few that were everywhere (Lisa Boyle in Friend of the Family; Krista Allen in Emmanuelle; Shannon Whirry in everything), and some that were incredibly difficult to find, often split into individual sections, only one of which could be downloaded. This was one of those scenes - something made complicated through the fact that it's intercut with Captain Exposition and his friend helpfully explaining the plot.

What I may have downloaded, effectively, was the whole scene. I just didn't realise it.

Appearance: The Sex Files - Alien Erotica (1998)
Characters: Agent Forrest & The Cook

Admit it, you've probably heard of at least one thing called The Sex Files, haven't you? It's so painfully obvious a title for anything that even looks at The X-Files (which I will admit to having never seen a second of, but I'm aware of the concept) - and it probably can't be copyrighted, either, which made ploughing through IMDb to find the cast list for this an arduous task as about 4,095,871,581 writer/director types all thought they were the only one to make such a hilarious joke. Having said that, I've probably seen all of them too, and this is one of the best, so there's that.


It's behind you!
Notice how I said "one of the best," which doesn't actually mean it's any good. But this is soft porn, so let's give it some grace for the fact that it does, in fact, have a traceable plot. The plot does involve alien fungus, cloned sexy women, psychokinetic links, interactive dreams, Adam and Eve, gas station attendants and Evil Dead-style plant rape... but at least it's there.

The fact that the main antagonist is a mutable alien fungus that feeds off sexual energy by transforming into the image of any woman unfortunate enough to come across its path is an odd one... but it does go some way (in fact, realistically all the way) to explain why Kira Reed (credited here as Kira Lee) - ostensibly the lead, playing one of the FBI agents tracking down the thing - has energetic, dirty sex with an unnamed (seriously, he has no name) cook in a kitchen, apropos of nothing.

Spoiler: This isn't Agent Forrest. It's the alien.

Okay, so. Agent Forrest is asleep in a hotel room and Agent Preston (Mark "I''ve never seen this actor before" Collver) is watching her because he's a creepy creepy creep concerned co-worker. He's waiting for his superior, Colonel Parks (William "I'm too old for this shit" Knight), to turn up because he's noticed Forrest is acting orgasmically strangely, and wants to show the Colonel, and I'm going to stop thinking about this as it's making me feel slightly sick.

What do you mean, you've never sung topless opera in your sleep?

Forrest is acting as if she's having the biggest orgasm of her life in her sleep due to the fact that her alien clone, with whom she has a psychic link because YOLO!, has stopped off an an American diner because why not? and decided to have sex with the cook (Dion "I'm only here to have sex" Scott). In the form of Kira Reed, the alien approaches to some spooky Resident Evil-type music and startles him.

"Look, we don't do handouts 'round here, why don'tcha go try the Chinese place?" says the cook (rather incongruously, I feel, as there's nothing to suggest she was looking for a handout), which allows her a silly line about not being interested in his hand. Let the ravishing commence.

The rest of the scene takes place thus. To a stabby, electric-guitar-driven tune familiar to anyone who downloaded a bit of the scene via KaZaA, Forrest and the cook have messy, dirty sex all over the kitchen. They disrobe on the table (HACCP-trained people would have a fit), engage in oral sex standing up, do it in the missionary position on said table, up against a water tank which splashes all over the floor, then in a 71 position against the handy table... and then against the wall, banging thrustily away while Kira grabs at a hand towel dispenser and pumps it energetically.


Born to hand towel, baby.
This is the bit I remember. I have no idea if it's a euphemism or symbolism or just something to do with her hand (or something director Rolfe Kanefsky came up with out of nowhere)... but it's memorable. It's clever. And the fact that we get shots of the ever-increasing tissue piling up on the floor is a little tick that most film-makers wouldn't think of. Of course, it doesn't affect the plot or the sex one iota... but then again, neither do the splash of water, clothes on the floor, casual clattering of cans as the cook does Forrest from behind up against a supplies shelf, or toast symbolically catching fire (synced up nicely with an "aah!" from Kira).

All of this, of course, is intercut with the plot, which involves Kira - as the real Agent Forrest - appearing to experience a very erotic dream (to the point of losing most of her clothes and making a hell of a racket) while perhaps the two dumbest FBI agents since Matilda attempt to divine what's going on. Even after Preston manages to suggest that Forrest is experiencing what the female alien is, the Colonel wonders out loud what it's doing.

Seriously, Colonel? Go and stand by the window and think about your life choices!


Splash! (The sound, not the ITV show.)
The scene ends (to a point) with the cook lying flat under a lust-driven alien Forrest as she rides him (with increasing speed, gusto and volume) and ends with the relatively confusing plot twist of having the cook fall unconscious, at which point Forrest decides to try and seduce a commis waiter ("busboy" - I had to look that phrase up) played by Sean Broderick instead. The music swells to a climax as the real Forrest does just that. Which we can tell, because Kira's just stopped writhing and moaning, earning a perfunctory "morning!" from her idiot colleague.

Genius.

Given that I like the music and the cinematography, the tissue reaching the floor and Kira Reed's body, I think it's fairly obvious why I like this scene. It could be a little brighter (sometimes it's too dark to see properly), but overall I think it's good. This is, however, archetypal of The Sex Files as a whole. Plot aside, I find this film pretty episodic - a serious of off-the-cuff sexual vignettes strung together with the overall story arc. It has more cohesion than, say, Emmanuelle's Private Collection, which hinges entirely on shoehorned-in sex scenes with no relevance, however hot they may be. The Sex Files manages to get some genuinely enjoyable humping in with a lot of variety - Gabriella Hall, Lauren Hays, Petra Sexton and Kim Yates are all in this too - and keep it relevant, even if every sex scene is tied in by cutaways to a moaning half-naked woman!

Not that there's anything wrong with that either...

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