Exercise régime going well then, ILB?
I really dislike exercising. I'm not good at any of it - I mean, yes, I'm a fairly strong swimmer when I need to be, I'm an adequate dancer if you ask the right people, and I can jog for a while (yes, jog. People have forgotten that word, substituting "running" in its place. I'm trying to bring it back, refusing firmly to be one of those twats that goes "running" on a daily basis) without dying of heart failure. But I don't like it. It takes time and effort, it hurts, and I don't feel the satisfaction that everyone else in the universe
So why do I do it?
Because, really, I'm seriously unhappy with my body shape. I've been exercising semi-regularly for a while now (I'm a member of a gym, for Luigi's sake!) and I still don't appear to have lost any weight. I looked at my face in the mirror yesterday and noticed a complete lack of chin, something flabby hanging there that wasn't always present. I've been jogging and cycling, but don't feel any fitter; I do ab crunches, but can't see my abs; I swim, but I still get out of breath doing one length of breaststroke and have to scull on my back in order to get back to the shallow end.
I keep doing it, but I'm not feeling any difference, and I'm certainly not seeing any.
I'd feel better about it, were I not so worried about my image. And I'd feel better about my image were it not for comparison. And I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to anyone else, but that's what I do.
Next month, I'm going to Eroticon. Eroticon, for those of you who haven't gone, is full of absolutely beautiful people. 'Con goers are stunning - everyone looks fabulous, radiant even, surrounded by a heady glow of body positivity that we should all be indulging in, but I've never been able to possess. While ILB fits in like a hand in glove (well, he's part of the community, right?), his body is failing him. It doesn't match up to all the confident, sexual people who are both physically flawless by whatever standard and positive about it.
It makes me feel sick. I feel inadequate, unattractive, and undesirable.
This isn't what I'm meant to do. I've never given that much attention to physical appearances - not least of all my own. I scoffed at people in secondary school who put all their value on hair gel and face creams, and I continue to question the wisdom of those who wash their hair every day. I've never thought of myself as attractive - I've been told so by many people, mainly cisgender, heterosexual, female people - but now I'm making an effort, it's not doing anything.
I'm just sweating, that's all I'm doing. I'm tiring myself out, I'm making myself hurt, and I'm sweating like a very sweaty person who sweats, and nothing else happens. I don't feel better about myself - I feel worse. Like I'm doing something, but not enough, whatever "enough" is, or I am doing enough and something else is cancelling it out, like my diet or my slow metabolism.
Whatever it is, my goal this time last year was to lose enough weight to feel better about my shape by the time February rolled around in 2018. It's now February 2018 and I haven't changed. I'm big and I'm getting bigger, I feel very unhealthy, and some of my clients the other day called me fat, so as encouraging as my girlfriend is, there's got to be some truth in it.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just needed to vent and this was an ideal place to do so. But if you see me at any time soon, have a look at my eyes. They're the only part of me I'm comfortable with... and if you see them sparking with tears, don't be alarmed. I'm probably just not feeling like I'm worthy of your attention.