In 2006 I came back from university with an English degree, a broken heart, a collection of softcore DVDs, and the profound feeling that I was different from a lot of the other boys I'd encountered over the past three years. Maybe I was travelling in the wrong circles; perhaps it was just a certain amount of people who made more of an impression on me than others. Or, more likely, it was jealousy. Who knows? And, frankly, who cares?
I can't really pinpoint exactly what it is that made me different. Maybe it was the fact that I used to sit in my room and spend the same amount of time contemplating the cinematography of soft porn that I spent masturbating over it. Maybe it was because about 90% of my friends were girls and I hadn't even tried to sleep with any of them. Maybe my being a vegetarian, non-smoking, Christian teetotaller didn't tally with their views of "having a good time" (which, to me, translated as an absorbing fantasy or sci-fi book with a cheese toastie, followed by a couple of rounds of Super Smash Bros.).
And, really quite importantly, I hadn't had sex for a few years, and was starting to get frustrated.
I've always been interested in sex. When I was 2, I asked my mum how it all worked, and she told me. When I was about 11, I started to get sexual urges. At 12, I started watching soft porn whenever I could sneak down to watch cable on my Gran's TV. At 17, I had sex for the first time; at about 18, I started masturbating. Then I was cheated on (repeatedly, by the same girl), dumped without much of a reason, and spent three years at a university I didn't particularly like, wondering why I wasn't having any sex.
I came back reasonably well-adjusted, but lacking something, and a selection of carefully well-selected Internet memes informed me that my focus was love, not sex; this seemed to make sense: I remember thinking that my first relationship would never, ever, ever involve any sex (this was a concept that lasted about a month - although she initiated it, I seem to remember). I knew by then that I was a hopeless romantic, and I used to get far too involved in other people's relationships - essentially trying to keep them all together, convinced that love always finds a way, dammit!
Still, nobody wanted to talk about love with me (with a few notable exceptions, listed in the blog). And nobody wanted to talk about sex with me, either (see above). How was I supposed to share my views with anyone? Or my stories? Or, dare I say it, my experiences?
So I decided to put them on the internet and let hundreds of strangers read about my most intimate details. Because that's clearly the way to do things.
And so here I am... Innocent Loverboy. Welcome to my sex blog.
Here you'll find a truly bizarre selection of things in a peculiar, seemingly random sequence based upon the order in which I write the posts. I occasionally take part in the odd meme or write a soft porn review, but mostly I just write about something or another related to sex in a slightly pathetic manner, sometimes even with a disastrous attempt at humour.
This blog is a little different from other sex blogs insofar as every sex blog is different. However, there are three major differences that I can pinpoint (apart from the whole "LOL, I'm a boy, ZOMG!" thing).
The first difference is that there aren't any paid ads, affiliate links or commercial sponsors on this blog at all. It's completely ad-free, and always will be. I've never made any money from blogging because that's simply not my aim; I'll write under this name for pay, but I won't put any content up here for any particular monetary purpose. This includes "sponsored content" or paid-for advertising space. I still get asked, despite the fact that there's an "ad-free blog" button on my sidebar.
The second is that I don't do a lot of sex toy reviews (although there are some). I've never actually used a sex toy that's managed to bring me to orgasm, and because I tend to say so, sex toy companied don't like sending me their stuff in case it doesn't work on me. I will review things, but it's not a review blog overall.
The third is that, unlike a lot of sex blogs, there isn't a lot of kink, BD/SM, non-monogamy or ranty self-righteousness on this blog. I am perfectly aware that there's nothing wrong with these at all, but none of them is really my thing. This has, in the past, led to the concept that I am against "non-standard sexual practices" - of course I'm not. I'm just straight and monogamous and vanilla, and that's what works for me!
As of the last time this page was updated [22/12/16], I'm 31 years old. I live in a small rented room in North London. My girlfriend, fellow blogger Jillian Boyd, writes over at Lady Laid Bare and is currently trying to juggle all that with a day job. My best friend is named 47 (well, it's not his real name, but that's what I call him); I also have a large group of local friends who you'll probably see mentioned. Most of them are married now and some have children and that's all very scary.
if you really must know: my height is 6'0" according to some measurements, 5'11" according to some more. I have short black hair (with flecks of grey) and bright blue eyes. I'm overweight, don't look it. I have stubble, but not a full beard. My penis is 7" when erect. I have foreskin, which I've never thought of as anomalous, and I'm still confused by people who think it is. And, no, I don't like my appearance.
My IQ places me within the top 2% of the country, maybe even the top 1%, but I've never applied to join Mensa.
complicated lexis like "fecundity", "quadrilateral", "onomatopoeia" and
"limerence". I once met somebody who didn't know what "superfluous"
meant, and I confused a teacher once by using the word "opaque" at the age of 5.
I also have magic hugs like the little girl in The Santa Clause 3 and am quite adept at oral sex.
I don't like mushrooms, bananas, red cabbage or baked beans; I don't eat meat, smoke, drink alcohol or take drugs. I'm a Christian, but I don't go to church often because my church is about three miles away from where I live.
There are some words that I won't use because I don't find them aesthetically pleasing.
I'm a Pisces.
Barns have chickens.